Monday, August 25, 2008

Confession Booth

I believe in regret
I believe in self-sacrifice
I believe in free will
I believe in wrong and right
I believe in good and evil
I believe in God
But...
I don't believe in insane or sane anymore...
I believe that we are who we are, and we don't need more illusions over our heads, controlling our already short lives. I believe that the meaning of each individual life is to make his/her own meanings. To find the best way to live, to grow out of this world.
What I say next might confuse or anger some people. Whoever who read this post, please, listen first and try understand why I said it...
"You will never love someone/something more than you love yourself."
The reason why I said this is because I feel that Love is understanding. That when you love someone, you're actually attracted to him/her because it reminds you of yourself, or the things that you enjoyed. It is always You, this is how our minds are made.
The reason why this idea is not as bad as it sounds is becoz, even if you will only love yourself the most, only then you are able to love others the way they wanted to be loved.
Love is the easiest thing to get, but the hardest to lose.
He is back in my life, as generous as light and for the moment, the blocked moment of Solitude within me might be filled with fire and water again.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Life they wanted You to have

You will be born fair and beautiful, into a happy religious home (questioning nothg), with 2 happy parents that never fight. You will eat healthy, and get plenty of exercise. Then go to school with happy teachers that enjoy teaching you. At a school with no violence, no cursing, no free sexual acts, and with other religious students. It should go on this way all the way up to highschool and in all these times, you won't have a serious girl/boyfriend and you must be happy and sin-free. After school, you will go to college. Then you'd choose a high-payin job (becoz money is the only way you're goin to be happy) You will finish college in about 25 or so. At this time, you start work. In your free time, you find love, have kids, and live in your big house with flawless religious happiness forevermore. Nothg bad happens, nobody learns, evythg is "perfect"...and nobdy knows difrent.

I feel like drowning when I wrote this. Like my weak withered arms can barely keep me floating. Salt water pours down my throat evy seconds. Weaker and weaker to fight anymore. Even if I know smbody who will jump down to save me, I'd still want to feel like I worth it. Worth their energy, am I worth saving. Maybe the world is showing me that they still cared...my luck I'd prolly pull them down with me.

But who knows? Maybe I'll see someone with a Life Jacket. All I know is, I have to learn to swim. So that I wouldn't always have to wonder if I'm going to be rescued or not.

*closes eyes and laughs quietly to myself**

Sunday, August 10, 2008

What I truly feel abt Goth

Being Goth? Turning Goth? What is Goth anyway? Is Goth all about wearing black and everything? Or is it some kind of a cult or smthg influencing the young minds?? The question is, what am I turning into? I don’t know, it’s like a go with the flow situation…am I really a Goth? What's in a name anyway, quote Shakespeare "A rose with any other names smells just as sweet"...In the end is, all I know is that I’m not just a mere wannabe Goth, I don’t blunder blindly into any foolish acts that cuts over the edges. I know I wouldn’t. I’m just following my heart!

Many people would have gotten the wrong idea about goth, I duno when exactly I started to have certain interests on this and hence on my confidence somehow had boosted. Nobody understands what being me is all about, I am suffering inside for putting up a mask for the world to see. I know I am not a logical person, not tend to think within the black box. I tend to move towards the artistic point of view. I never met anybody who can really change my perspective on what my life is all about or gonna improve, not even until now. Nobody cared to release me from this invisible cage. They would just say that this “cage” is build by MY OWN hands…

Only if it’s that simple, my dear friend. The world will be with no war, no famine, no crime, no abortion, and God will smile down on the world with his godly smirk forevermore and bless us all with raining pizzas from the skies.

I don’t wear black all the time or talk about death everytime I open my mouth. I guess I’m just…DIFFERENT from everybody else in certain ways. Yes, eventhough I don’t wear BLACK to my class or to school, BUT I still get name callings and posed as a joke among people. Just becoz I’m “different”. But I don’t believe in changing myself just not to get being laughed at. It’s about me wanting to overcome myself and being who I wanted to be. I have something they do not have!! And I knew what it is; it’s smthg inside me that they lack. I know I would sound arrogant or whatever if I mentioned it here. But I think of it as a GOD’s blessing for me, it’s a gift from Him that I discovered myself^^

It’s ironic, I love many people around me, Mommy, my sis and my naughty kickass little cousins chien and jernie, my aunt Faridah and Bahri koko and my lovely grannies on both sides (God BLESS you all, I love you), and my close friends (those who do not make fun of me and call me nasty names)…but why am I feeling discontent? I’m such an ungrateful bard. But my problem is I can’t help meeting people who doesn’t understands what you are really into, no matter how strongly you wana make the point. It’s NOT a mere “style”, and it’s not about me hating my life. Not the “Haha I don’t care” tude. I wanna live my LIFE and wanna be different at the same time. I believe happiness is going to fit into the hole which is “YOU” and perhaps being a little Gothic trait in me can make me finally happy in my own sad little way ^__^

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Censored evythg!!

Its not that I hate censorship, its just I have this negative feeling everytime I hear this word whenever I browse around for my favourite artsy stuff everywhere I go. And I’m def not a perv!! So does being Malaysian contributes to being conservative and all, does it EVEN apply now?

Why I brought this topic out suddenly? Its just coz I can’t stand it anymore I just had to write this down. Whenever there is a censored material, it means somebody else already chose and decide what I will receive, see/hear. Why couldn’t I get the advantage of making that choice myself? I feel that I should. The only thing that set my limit is “self-censorship”, which refers to my own judgements based on my inner conscience. But in this page, I’m referring to the public material censorship.

I think that everybody should have the right to communicate the way they wanted, and observe what they want. Censorship only exist coz some people has decided that they don’t want to observe certain material. That’s why they consequentially inhibit this observation from the public. Do they have the rights to begin with, your rights ends where mine begins?? Then why should they challenged people with prohibitions after all?

Why do I sounded pissed in my first post? It’s just an art illustration book from my favourite artist that I wanted, for God’s sake =_=! Is it THAT explicit?

Let me state an example. Do you believe our local TV shows never depicts sexually explicit materials? Your answer may vary due to difrent clarifications. Some would argue that these seemingly explicit broadcasts are accidental and those who wanted to view the show do so, and those who don’t want do not. Is it that simple?? I have a better idea for those who don’t want to or want to “avoid” viewing the material. Get rid of your TV. If you choose to watch TV, you will see these “accidental” materials.

TV stations cannot broadcast materials that is entirely acceptable, after all. Don’t you find it strange that some political commentary are not even censored in Malaysia’s media? “Dirty Politics” indeed. So why is some materials censored and others does not? This leads me to my next point.

I am a neutral person. I don’t believe in either appropriate or inappropriate materials. Not unless you caught your bf/gf, sis/bro, mom/dad, wife/husband (cats/dogs or your canaries…etc) reading some PORNO though, that is B.I.G turn-off!!! But what I meant here is the way everything is so judged upon by the seemingly angelic society.

How can we we let people determine what we observe based on their assumptions on what’s appropriate/inappropriate? People only judge based on what has historically been accepted. But this basis doesn’t satisfy my questioning mind.

When I say “historically”, I meant that people (past) classify reasonable basis on standards about various materials. Don't we all experience it now? It's also called social liberalization anyways. Its example is easy to find! The amount of clothes have dwindled down considerably. The public is somewhat become more and more accept to discuss about drugs, sex, etc. If this continues rapid, what is the point of having censorships anymore? The amount of material to warrant as inappropriate is now so damn limited. But still some people still wanted to lie and mislead the public, regulates them and censor -EVERYTHING-, especialy that royo artbook that I'm into grr.

Is censorship a law in Malaysia?? Can somebody tell me please?

I think our society doesn't need the goverment to regulate that massive censorship. Not too big it'll look so hypocrite anyways. If people are aware of the material's explicitness, they can either choose to support it or likewise. TV, wanted to supply for market demands, can choose not to show sexual material without bounded by the so-called regulations. Either way, the market still get what they want and the people happy too. But this current system of censorship in Malaysia, not everybody will get their demands met. There is ALWAYS some people who will decide for you.

Sounds like Democracy to me. So nice. I just hope that this page wil not get censored! =P

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Workshop of Hope

I have always had this knack for Vincent Van Gogh ever since I was a kid, until now I still does. I never knew what exactly about Vincent that appeals so much to me, and I had always think that his paintings were the ugliest mutt I have ever seen. It's like I love and despise him at the same time. And I somehow found that the story of his life is so pathetic, yet romantic at the same time. A hopeless romantic, he was one of the most emotional artist I believe I have read about. I had a major crush over him as well his artwork ever since I was in primary school.
I felt that I shared certain similiarities with this artist, we are emotional people who prefers to and ended up working individually and very attached to what we wanted to achieve. Largely self-taught. It's the I do what I like and I like what I do kinda attitude, but the sad state is that somehow the world is out there to pin you down. Tryin hard to pursue smthg to not only make a livin for, but to prove it to the world that this is being YOU is all about. Nobody to appreciate you and look down on what you do. Though I may not be influenced to cut my (ears) or shoot myself in the chest out of angst, I do feel the pain as such Vincent went through. He was my childhood hero, long dead he may be, yet he still is and still am now. He made me feel less alone and I know that there is another one such person who suffers from the lack of self diligence. Just like me.

I had always admired the way Van Gogh applied paint on the canvas. He squeezed them directly from the tube onto the canvas and remodel it by using his brush to have this semi 3D effects. Recently, there were this new foundings by scientist that there were underlaying images in one of Vincent's painting "Patch of Grass" (1885) where the seemingly insignificant wild strokes of brushes conceals a hidden face of a woman, whose features are much similiar to his previous paintings of peasants e.g "The Potato Eaters". The image was concealed in a 7-inch square out of a larger piece of painting.


Vincent Van Gogh's life was virtually and largely unknown during his lifetime and he struggled financially to continue being the artist he wanted to be until he commited suicide in 1890. He reuses canvas to save money, either painting on top of or behind existing paintings. Scientists have found out that probably 1/3 of his works are still hiding behind a layer of another painting.

I wanted to visit The Hague someday, and the Yellow House. I wana see his paintings! Especially the ones he made at Auvers. For me, Vincent is my model of the most astonishing artistic richness and I love the expressions which he conveyed through his paintings, which are more than mere paintings, they are my fundamental root in which I still am fighting for as well. I wana be an artist, when the time comes I am released from this "invisible prison" it is on the top of my wishlist!

"I prefer to paint human eyes, rather than to paint cathedrals."

“They think I’m a madman, because I wanted to be a true Christian.”

“I want to look at nature under a brighter sky.”

“I have a terrible need of — shall I say the word — religion. Then I go out and paint the stars.”
-VVG-

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Lost in Translation

You know? Everyone embarks on life's journey. And each journey is difrent in many ways and tells very much within itself. We make separate turns and take separate roads. But it is a marvel that how these separate roads will bring us back together again. Some are lucky enough to experience that, but after some wrong turns I have made, I may never make it back. I'm still waiting for mine to lead back to where I know my true road is where I know I belong.

You know life do sucks. It is worth living, but is it worth LOVING? There are always sacrifices we have to make for one thing or another. We are given these choices since we're kids. "Do you want the big expensive toy or a bunch of toys with the same price or the cheap one or what?"
It sucks to know that you never know what to choose. Well, all I gotta say now is that when you sacrifice love, it is a bigger chance than ever that you take but sometimes it has to be done. I just hope that person truly understands and doesn't hate me for it.

I love it when people betray you coz you can find out who is real and who's not. When people make up shit about you and then people believe it, then people assume too much and blames you for it. It reminds me of how naive and stupid I am, how immature and dumb human beings can be.

I've thought over it many times, all the memories in my mind. And I came up with an answer...In Life, we are giving one chance. One chance at Life. We all live for the moment whether we see it or not. There are moments in our life where we are like "DAMMIT!!" But we do things for the experiences and the feelings we get when we do them. Every BIG decision in life is like an andrenalin rush. Like Bungee jumping. You jump off, the only you can trust is the string that tied you and the wondering feeling of what's beneath you. This is just like deciding whether or not you are going to tell someone you love them. It's a rush. I meet alot of people who have decisions to live with, which of what they aren't proud of. But they live nonetheless.

I guess what I'm saying in all this is to live life. We have only ONE CHANCE! And me to myself, get a life.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Life worth Livin

I find it is amazing how life can be. The things that we do sometimes, and the lessons we learned, we thought we already knew it but actually we didn't!

In the society that I am, I discover that I have really no idea what I was doing. I would say a thing or two, make jokes and "flirt" in a playful manner, usually for one reason, to get attention from the people around me. Not that negative flirtish kind of attention but more to the friendly one. I absolutely love meeting new people, but sometimes what I seem to forget is that at times I am also a whole different person. So who am I really?

Well, I love to stay up late into the night after everybody is asleep. The world slumbers and I feel like peace and quiet. At my hometown in KL, sometimes I would go out and sit at the swing in front of my home with the dog who used to own me -ehemm- its a stray dog actually, but I made friends with it. Sit under the sprawling skies, nobody around to watch and reprimand me. Now, I'm staying in a boarding school away from home, there are no swings or homely places that I can hang around after dark. And yes, I still am the friggin imsonaic who loves to stay up. I met friends online, I missed Alex when he is not around. I draw, play music, I spend more time with my guitar, I am working on my second novel (my first novel Solstis prolly will get published by next year) and I listen to difrent genres of music that had never been any of my fancy, and found myself loving them in the end.

In general, I am pretty shy until I get to know you. But I would make a point to say a simple gesture of a hi to some people I passed by in the school halls or in the stores. I get nervous about coming up with the right thing to say. I love turning on the music that relates best to my mood. I love Gothic rock best, doesn't mean I'm the Goth chick who has to wear black all the time or talk about death everytime I open my mouth. I love texting, I love YMing when I feel like it and I love the fact that I don't have to if I don't feel like it. I love being the girly-girl with my silly looking polka dots teddy bears sheets, wearing clothes that I like and taking like, forever to pick what I wanted to wear for the rest of the day. I love standing under the showers for a long long time until my fingers gone all skinnish. I love face painting! I love standing in front of the mirror to do the painting, or try on whatever makeup I had, eventhough I am no pro in makeup or am not even goin anywhere. My face is the canvas! Whatever. I know I'm silly, I skip down the stairs and ran up the stairs eventhough there is an elevator. I don't care what other people say about me. I don't care what people tease me about, about my so called "style" (I wrote about that in my blog in friendster) and being different from the rest is what I consider being ME. People may say I'm plain crazy...but who cares.

I read alot, I like to learn about other people. I wana find out what makes a person ticks! I wana know more than just where you work, I wana know what people do, responsibilities, what you like or don't like. Anything. You learn about how a person feels about practically on any subjects.
Living in a society, people always tend to think that we have to get physical first and then see if we like someone. But for me, it's not like that at all. Connection is crucial, you can't be friends with people if you don't know what makes that person ticks!

I am not a talkative person, but I'm a writative person (I made that word up) and I'm very emotional, deep down I have a personality that wouldn't show until that person get to know me for quite some time. As time goes by, those individuals will see me for who I am and not just remember the first encounter. That's what I hope, anyway! But I have heard that from people's mouth about me anumber of times though.

Anything else, will come with Time...